Man, I must say… If the end of the world isn’t this year, then I must just be cursed. I have some grieving to get off my chest. I am not trying to be melodramatic or seeking attention, but writing is and always will be my outlet… thank you for being here with me =) But, this year, I have lost my grandmother, two cats, a dog, and early this morning, my Cockatiel Sunny. The last 5 years he has brought songs and cheer to my life, with every one of his favorite songs, he’d dance and chirp happily away to it. I would let him fly around the house, and let him play in the trees in the yard, feed him fruit, spoil him so. But, with the stress of work and life lately, had lessened my time with him, though I always sang to him and talked to him every night.
But I can’t help but feel guilty that it had been a while since I have let him out to fly around the house as he loved so much. I have always had these dreams where I would fly, and the feeling of my wings spreading and gliding through the air I had imagined what pure bliss it must feel like to do so. I could only imagine what it felt like for a bird in this very real world. I cried and cried, hysterical when I lost each of my loved ones this year. But, just about twenty minutes ago, I had imagined Sunny flying and flying, circles around the happiest place he can imagine, and I instantly felt so relieved. Could this be what death is like? Is death a blessing?
Again, I am not depressed, I do not wish to go and end my life, but, think about it. Do you remember what it was like to be a kid? No matter how bad your family had it, poor, rich, what ever, not a care in the world, mortality was the least of your worries. Maybe you too were easily amused, imagination so vivid you could make up your own world and lose yourself in it. Oh the adventures that took me around the world, was just a yard and pure innocence away…Jungle gyms became a pirate ship, trampolines turned into the dark and mysterious outter space where gravity had no chains on you, a couple of chairs and a blanket was a tent set up in the scariest most curious forest. That is what I hope we have to look forward to, life after death. Whether it may be Heaven, or any world that your mind creates. Where you are reunited with so many long lost loved ones, where I hope all my pets, all my family is there waiting for us. Where no one is scared, no poverty, no starvation, no restrictions to what your heart desires.
I think after visioning my Nana with her mother, and her loved ones, my cats wrestling around at the feet of my grandparents, and Sunny flying higher and wider than ever before, it makes me not so afraid of dying anymore. I used to fear death, there was so much I wanted to do, and achieve before my time ends. But this world is cruel, our country is falling apart, men and women all over the world are risking their lives for their country, their family, and making sacrifices because times are hard.
People live every day stressing and dreading what the day may bring and go to bed for the night with plans already on their mind on how to survive the next day with a sane mind. Most people are too busy to stop and take a breather, because they are in such a tight spot, living paycheck to paycheck, trying to feed their kids before themselves, or worrying when the next job will be available so they are no longer unemployed. It astounds me how big corporations are living the comfy life, laying one person off after another most of the time, just to have more money for themselves. I’ve seen this so many times. I’ve met so many people that HAVE worked hard, but can’t get any further because of greedy corps. Inflation is rising, and jobs aren’t paying enough to compensate. People are struggling. I am struggling.
I pray, that life is just a test, like an obstacle to overcome and conquer… to prove you are deserving of the euphoria that awaits… the hard earned medal at the end of the course. I truly believe that you don’t know true happiness till your life here is complete. No more war, no more watching your loved ones going through pain and suffering, just pure happiness and love. I just can’t bring myself to believe that nothing happens when you die, that the soul doesn’t live on an everything just blows to oblivion. In the gut of me, I just feel life does go on, and it’s like breaking free, of the chains, sorrow, pain. Just like a caged, anxious bird, released and wings unfurled, a blissful flight. I am no longer afraid to leave this world. All of our struggles and our kindness will pay off in the end I embrace it. I know the Lord will not let us down.
I know I have been slacking on this blog the last month, but so much has come up. Lost a loved one, someone very important to me, and the family, my beautiful grandmother. I still can’t sum up in words how I feel about her not being on this earth anymore. And then, there is the everyday stress of life and work. I lost my motivation to write for a while. Although, I have been tempted many times to pick it back up, but when I sit there in front of the screen, or in front of that paper, my emotions spill out right in front of me, unable to gather my thoughts and separate them as I try to work on my book. Instead, I end up with a journal like entry, and just delete the entire thing. Well, someone broke me from my gloomy trance the other day. I mean, I must have been so far gone, so out of tune, keeping to myself, if a simple reminder, a text from a friend, “You have friends you know? =)” opens my eyes to just how distant I was being.
I have always kept my feelings and emotions to myself. I hate drama, and I am always so worried to dump my life on to people I care about. I guess I never stopped to ask myself, “Do I have friends that care enough, that wouldn’t mind if I spill what’s been hurting me?” I have always been the listening, I am just not used to being the talker. It’s nice to have a friend, that slaps you around a bit, brings your mind back to earth and tells you, “We love you.”
More and more people have been approaching me, offering a shoulder, offering both listening ears, offering some time to take my mind off everything. And I am finding my stress to drift slowly away. With all the free room in the back of my mind, I have found myself drifting off to happier thoughts, old memories, beautiful memories, fun memories. I’ve thought about all the people that ever told me how much they love me, how beautiful I am, how charming I can be when I am not tripping on everything on the ground when I am always looking up. I start thinking about some of the great people I’ve spent time with, that looks at life in a certain way, who’ve taught me and inspired me to laugh at the small things, and take the big things with small, easy steps. There have been only a few people who I feel have made me the person I am today, and I need to remember, always, that I need to remain the person I’ve become, and not recline, I need to make them proud. They have put so much love and care into me, I would hate to make all that precious time spent with them, a waste.
One thought leads me to another, and here I am, back and inspired to keep doing better. Take all my pain, all my most loved memories, all my happiness, and put it all together, and complete a masterpiece and accomplish a long-dreamed goal. I won’t stop till it is finished. Book one will be completed, and I pray to God, there will be more influences to inspire me to writing more and more.
And on another note, I must get my hands on more canvas! I have run out and my mind has been going wild ever since the switch was turned back on! I’ve been sketching non-stop, I need to plaster all these thoughts with paint on canvas. I hope to be back here, continuing to post, whether people read this or not, it feels so good to get off my chest. To those who do read, I adore you, you are my inspiration.